


slowly

by cant_relate



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Cancer, M/M, Pianist!Tsukishima, Tsukiyama - Freeform, also tsukki's lowkey an alcoholic, i literally made myself cry with this, im horrible at tagging holy fuck, kurotsuki - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 07:29:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11527473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cant_relate/pseuds/cant_relate
Summary: Everything happened slowly.Slowly.





	slowly

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to make myself cry (it worked)
> 
> also it's not edited bc i don't like to hit my beta up with bullshit

Tsukishima has been scared before. When he first watched ‘The Ring’ and refused to connect his home phone. When his best friend Hinata fell off of a really tall ladder and broke his shoulder. When he made it to the final round of Japan’s national under 18 piano competition against the reigning champ of three years. But never in his life had he  ever been terrified.

“Kei?” A voice brought him out of his mind. “Did you hear me?” Tsukishima focused in on the person in front of him. The lanky bastard with unruly bedhead and a never-receding smirk that the pianist had just so happened to fall in love with.

“You…” Tsukishima tried to start. He swallowed thickly, trying to see his boyfriend in front of him, rather than just stare in his direction. “You have leukemia.” Kuroo pursed his lips before trying to go for a smile.

“But don’t worry, Kei,” he said, “I’ll make it through, just for you.” Tsukishima would’ve believed that smile, that dazzling, charming smile, if Kuroo were sitting anywhere else than a hospital bed in the emergency wing in only a thin gown. 

For the first time in his life, Kei was terrified.

Tears burned the back of his eyes, and he swallowed again. “How bad is it?” he managed through a mouth that felt of cotton. Kuroo shrugged and looked away, dropping his smile momentarily before looking back with a grin twice as big.

“Not as bad as you probably think,” he said with a wink, and Tsukishima inhaled slowly.

_ He’s lying to me, _ he thought, observing his boyfriend quietly. Kuroo stared back nonchalantly, as if he had just said that he had a dog or a pizza for lunch.  _ He doesn’t want me to feel scared. He’s lying to me. _

“Tetsurou,” Tsukishima said shakily. Kuroo hummed and raised his eyebrows. “I love you so much.” The fake twinkle in the older’s eye immediately vanished. Kuroo’s smile got wider, but it didn’t stop his eyes from watering.

“I love you too,” he said, his voice wavering. “So much.” Kuroo’s tears seeped down his face slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

“I wrote another piece for you today,” Tsukishima said quietly. He had just walked into his boyfriend’s permanent hospital room, and Kuroo raised an eyebrow.

“Is that so?” A genuine smile placed itself on the older’s face, and his eyes scrunched under it. “Am I allowed to hear this one?” Tsukishima nodded and motioned for Kuroo to scoot over on his bed. Though both of them were big, they were lanky, so as long as Tsukishima half laid on Kuroo’s chest, they would fit. Neither of them complained about the arrangement, and none of the staff had the heart to tell them to stop.

“Is this the one that tells of my awesome recovery? Of how we’re going to go all the way to America for ice cream and a boardwalk datejust like I’ve always wanted once I get out of this hell-hole?” Tsukishima smiled at the thought of doing that, and then offered him the ear buds. 

“It’s not about you,” Tsukishima said with a smirk. “Just  _ for _ you.” Kuroo stuck his tongue out and laid his head back, closing his eyes. The piece had started, and he would listen intently for the next few minutes, leaving Kei all that time to study his boyfriend’s face. 

Kuroo was getting thinner. He was losing fat rapidly and his skin was getting paler, which seemed impossible to Tsukishima seeing as Kuroo was already as white as paper. His appetite was nearly gone and it seemed like he had a permanent flu no matter what medicine he took.

The older boy furrowed his eyebrows. Tsukishima assumed he got to the bridge, where worry and doubt had burrowed into the piece. As it started light and soft, full of tentative hope, it had progressed into hard notes and harsh chords, all representing the amount of nights Tsukishima had cried himself to sleep, or drunk himself into oblivion. Throughout the whole song, there’s the constant feeling of  _ love _ Tsukishima tried to put into it. The times where they could go for a road trip at midnight, or sleep until four in the afternoon all made their ways into the song. Where Kuroo would do something completely stupid and make  _ terrible _ jokes until Tsukishima had to kiss him just to make him stop. Where they both finally admitted that yes, they were in love and yes, the other loved them back.

Tsukishima wanted Kuroo to know that he loved him with all of his heart, even though he was deteriorating slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

“Akaashi, I just don’t know what to do,” Tsukishima sighed into his phone. He took a long sip of whiskey before setting the glass down. “He’s in so much  _ pain _ and I don’t know how to help him through this.” The other side of the line was silent for a second, contemplating.

_ “The best thing you can do for him is be there.”  _ Tsukishima bit back an insult at hearing the same advice everyone else had given him.  _ “Just be supportive and-” _

“Akaashi, Tetsurou is  _ dying _ ,” Tsukishima bit out. “The love of my life is lying in a hospital bed having radiation pumped through him until all he can feel is pain, and I don’t know how to  _ support  _ him. I’m there every day and I’m missing performances and I haven’t practiced in  _ weeks _ because I need to see him but it’s not  _ enough _ . I need him to know that I’m there but how can he feel my hand in his when he can’t register anything other than the fucking chemo! I’m- I’m not good enough for him!” Tsukishima broke off with a sob, pulling his head away from his phone for a moment.

_ “Tsukishima?” _ Akaashi asked through the phone. Pity was strong in his voice and Kei despised it. 

“I think I need to go, Akaashi,” Tsukishima sighed into the phone, wiping his face down with one of his sleeves. “I need time to calm down.” Tsukishima heard Akaashi sigh.

_ “Please don’t give up on him yet,”  _ Akaashi said softly.  _ “He’s fighting, and you need to do so as well.” _ The tone fell flat as Akaashi hung up and Tsukishima stared at his phone. His breathing got heavier and faster until he was nearly hyperventilating. He didn’t want his boyfriend to die, or be in pain, but that’s what was happening. 

And Kei couldn’t do anything to stop it.

He slowly downed the rest of his glass and poured another, which he downed as well. Kuroo’s veins were filled with radioactive chemicals that caused him so much pain; Tsukishima’s veins were filled with alcohol that numbed it all out. With the substances, their lives were both slipping away slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

Kuroo and Tsukishima were both playing a stupid game on the pianist’s phone when the doctor walked in. The two looked up with him with pleasant expressions that dropped as soon as they saw him. He had a somber look on his face, and Tsukishima felt a deep dread in the pit of his stomach, one he knew was never going to leave. Kei gripped Kuroo’s hand and squeezed tightly; Kuroo squeezed back.

“What happened?” Kuroo asked quietly. Tsukishima’s breathing got harder, and his heart faster, and he felt faint. It was bad. He squeezed his love tighter.

“I am truly sorry to tell you this,” the doctor started. He looked at his clipboard for a moment before taking a deep breath and looking straight into Kuroo’s eyes. “But as of the last x-ray we’ve examined, your cancer has turned terminal.”

Tsukishima Kei watched his world as he knew it shatter into a thousand tiny pieces that would never be put back together again. The pieces and his heart fell slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

“Kei,” Kuroo rasped. Tsukishima gripped his boyfriend’s hand, but the other couldn’t feel it. “I need you to do something for me.” The blond nodded vigorously, tears falling down his face and ugly sobs racking his body. They both were in their own bed, as it was one of Kuroo’s last wishes to die in his own home.

“I’ll do anything for you,” Tsukishima sobbed. Kuroo smiled and wiped at one cheek.

“First; please don’t cry too much. You’re too pretty to cry.” Kuroo’s voice was weak, and Tsukishima held onto it with everything he had. “Second; as soon as I’m gone, I want you to sell the house.” Tsukishima’s eyes widened.

“No, no I will  _ not _ sell our h-house, it’s  _ ours _ and I-I-”

_ “Kei,” _ Kuroo forced out. He wheezed at the harsh tone he had tried to use, and that sent Tsukishima into another fit of violent sobs. “You need to move on from a dead man.” Tsukishima stopped listening, vigorously shaking his head as his cried reached new heights.

_ “I don’t want to-” _

_ “You have to!” _ Kuroo said as he dragged Tsukishima’s face up to look him in the eye. “I love you so much, and I know you love me too, but there’s no use loving someone who  _ can’t _ love you back.” There was a pressure on Tsukishima’s chest that grew the longer he looked at Kuroo and it was suffocating, nauseating; he was going to throw up-

“You deserve to have someone love you,” Kuroo whispered. His vision was starting to go black around the edges, but he  _ needed  _ to stress this to Kei. “I know you’re the most stubborn person in the world, but  _ please do. _ Let someone love you and fall in love with them and remember me but don’t let me be the thing that holds you back.” Kuroo’s grip was weakening and Tsukishima noticed. In a panic, he held on tighter; tried to get closer.

“You’re not holding me back!” Tsukishima begged. He climbed up higher onto the bed. “I love you; I’ll love  _ only  _ you, even if you’re dead and gone and-” 

“Heal, Kei.” Kuroo said finally. He struggled to take another breath but he didn’t want to leave Kei alone yet. “I love you.” Tsukishima could only watch as the one person who truly loved in the world let the words fall from his lips, and disappear slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

The weather was cold but Kei couldn’t feel it. He inhaled shakily, and forced his feet to move, one in front of the other. The rows of stone was eery, but the blond couldn’t bring himself to care. He stopped in front of one in particular, and crouched to place the handful of flowers he held right next to it. He stared for a few minutes - or hours; Kei couldn’t tell - and then slowly stood up.

“Tetsurou,” Tsukishima mumbled at the grave stone. “You left me here without you.” The stone didn’t reply and it infuriated the ex-pianist to the end of the world, but he wouldn’t scream or cry or throw a fit. Not when Kuroo wouldn’t be there to calm him down. “You were my first friend, and lover, and you always carried me. You always supported me, whether it be that dumb sport or playing the piano. Nobody will ever replace you. I miss yo-u.” His voice cracked on the final word and he looked away for a moment to recompose himself.

“I sold the house today.” He waits for the wind to answer him. “Bokuto said he’d take care of your will and stuff, and I’m moving to a house closer to the city.” Tsukishima stopped talking, reality hitting him again - Kuroo was really gone. He dropped to his knees in front of the stone.

“It’s been six months, Tetsurou,” Kei mumbled. “I’ll respect your wishes but I don’t want to get over you.  _ I love you. _ ” He waited for a bright laugh and a shove, and an  _ ‘I love you more, doofus’ _ . One that was buried six feet under him.

Kei traced the letters of Kuroo Tetsurou’s name repeatedly, and time moved impossibly slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting often, Tetsurou,” Tsukishima said sadly. “Ever since moving to the city and getting that job playing weddings, I don’t have as much time as I used to.” Kuroo’s tombstone stood tall, and Kei laid a hand on it. “It’s been a year and a half now.” He allowed the feeling of sorrow to wash over him for only a second, but it was chased away. Kei took a second to remember the infectious laugh, the unruly bed head, the fun times, the support; he took a second to remember his Tetsurou, the one he loved - had loved.

“I miss you so much, Tetsurou,” he whispered. “But I think you understand what you meant by healing now. I’ve thought about it a lot, and drank myself to near-death because of it but I think I understand now.” He crouched down in front of the tombstone.

“I can’t feel crushed about losing you forever. You were the best part of my life, even while you were sick, and I miss you so, so much but I can’t stay hooked on you. I can’t refuse to get out of bed or eat or  _ do _ anything because you’re gone, and I know you wouldn’t want me to. I have to move on, even though it hurts that it won’t be with you.” A single tear ran down his face, and Tsukishima hurriedly wiped it away.

“It won’t be for a long while but eventually I’ll have to fall out of love with you.” Tsukishima pushed his hand into his pocket and grabbed a small velvet box. He took it out and looked at it for only a moment before placing it down next to the stone. “I was going to propose as soon as you were cleared. As soon as you were cancer free. You always talked so optimistically, as if there was no other option but to live through it, but-” Kei choked, more tears leaking onto his face but he didn’t have the energy to wipe them away. “We were supposed to get married, whether it be in Japan or America, and we were supposed to grow old together, and we were supposed to have three cats and a dog because I hate cats but I wanted to make you happy.” Tsukishima’s voice was hollow, but the tears didn’t stop. “We were supposed to paint our living room blue, even if you always pushed yellow, and go to an olympic volleyball game, and do that stupid date idea you’ve always wanted.” He swallowed, taking deep breaths that got faster and more shallow the longer he sat there.

“We were supposed to be invincible; us against the world. How can it be us when it’s only me?” The blond sobbed his last question and pleadingly looked at his lover’s name, as if Kuroo would find a way to answer through it. “It was supposed to be  _ us. _ ” Kei closed his eyes and leaned forward until his forehead rested on the cool stone, his face contorted in pain.

“You’re really, truly  _ gone _ and you aren’t coming back, are you,” he whispered into the autumn air. He resigned himself to his thoughts and tears for a moment, but eventually would have to learn to live again, no matter how slowly.

Slowly.

 

\---

 

“Hey, Tsukishima!” The bartender threw a hand up in greeting and Kei gave a nod back. He was feeling especially somber, and sat down at the bar. The barkeep, Nishinoya, was an energetic guy, though extremely nice. Tsukishima had been drunkenly telling him about Kuroo ever since he was diagnosed, and Nishinoya had always listened, and gave something good to numb the pain.

“How are you,” the blond asked as the other started on his usual drink. Nishinoya smiled and shrugged.

“Another day, another dollar,” he poured the liquid into a short cup and added a cherry that sank to the bottom. His smile dampened for a moment as he slid the glass over. “Today’s the day, huh?” Tsukishima gave a non-comical chuckle.

“That obvious?” He took a long sip. “It’s been five years.” He took a deep breath but the pang of emotion that usually hit him wasn’t hard anymore. It wasn’t something that would keep him bed-bound for days anymore, and he could talk about it without feeling like throwing something or screaming or both. It was barely there, an echo of Kuroo, because even though Tsukishima missed him, it was time to move on. It’s what Kuroo wanted, and as much as Tsukishima hated to say, it’s what he wanted as well. Kuroo deserved all of the grieving in the world, but he knew Kei couldn’t do that, not without destroying himself. 

_ The least I can do for you, Tetsurou, is respect your final wish. _ He locked a vice grip on the glass and downed it before sliding the cup back to Nishinoya. The shorter raised his eyebrows and started on the drink again.

“You’re grieving, you’re a friend, and your drinks are on me tonight, Tsukishima,” Nishinoya said as he grabbed a bottle. Tsukishima sighed. He knew better than to try to go against the other and accepted it.

“Thanks.” He tipped his drink back again before harshly being shoved against the bar top. The glass hit against his mouth painfully and the drink spilled down the front of his shirt.

_ “What the fucking shit-”  _

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” Tsukishima turned and looked at the asshole that had rammed into him. His eyes were wide in fear and he visibly flinched at the look the blond gave him.

“Thanks for that,” Tsukishima snarled at the boy, and he leaned backwards at the weight of Kei’s words.

“I’m extremely sorry for bumping into you, it’s just another guy had shoved into me as well and that pushed me into you and- it doesn’t matter! Let me buy you a couple drinks as an apology, please!” Tsukishima glared at him, making the other fidget.

“My drinks are paid for tonight,” he said finally, pitifully turning away from him. “Just leave me the fuck alone.” He didn’t see what the other did but pushed his glass towards Nishinoya again, who sat back with a slight grimace as he wiped the spilled liquor off the bar. Tsukishima felt someone sit next to him and rolled his eyes, knowing it was the guy.

“Please; I’d like to do something to apologize,” the other said. Tsukishima turned to give him the strongest glare he could manage, but the other didn’t back down, surprisingly. The blond sighed and waved him off.

“No need; I don’t care enough.” The other opened his mouth to retort but thought better of it. He nodded and took his leave without another word, and Tsukishima shook his head, accepting his third drink in five minutes.

“Nishinoya,” he requested. The other hummed. “Please fuck me up tonight.” Nishinoya laughed and took the glass back.

“Then you’re going to need something a little stronger than this.”

-

Tsukishima didn’t know why he was surprised when a hand shot over his shoulder to hand Nishinoya the money for his drinks. Tsukishima sighed and turned around thinking it was another crusty old man trying to hit on him. After he turned, the glare fell off of his face for a moment at the sight of the same person from the week prior before immediately slipping back on again.

“What are you doing?” he asked slowly and the other shrugged. 

“Making it up to you.” Nishinoya took the money with a small smile and went to help someone else at the other end of the bar. Tsukishima exhaled and and studied the man. He had plain brown hair and eyes to match, and his face was spotted with freckles. He wasn’t plain looking but didn’t exactly stand out, and Tsukishima wouldn’t have ever noticed him if not for the fact that he stained his favorite shirt. Before Kei could wave him away, he extended his hand.

“I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi,” he said brightly and Tsukishima stared at his hand for a moment before reaching out to shake it.

“Tsukishima Kei.” He didn’t know why he answered, or why he was humoring the guy but he didn’t have anyone to talk to and it didn’t hurt to have some conversation while Noya was working.

“I’m sorry for bumping into you and making you spill your drink.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes slightly.

"Why do you still care?" Tsukishima answered. The other was quiet for a second.

“Well, I couldn’t have the prettiest person in the bar hate my guts if we’re both regulars. How would I have a chance with him then?” Tsukishima thought about the words for a moment before his eyes widened and a blush painted itself across his cheekbones. He hid himself behind his glass and scoffed, looking anywhere but the grinning face in front of him.

“What makes you think you have a chance even if I didn’t hate you?” Tsukishima mumbled, but Yamaguchi understood. He gave a crooked smile and Tsukishima noticed a slight blush on his face as well, which was… endearing.

“I mean… I hope I do, at least.” Yamaguchi looked down bashfully and Tsukishima thought for a moment. It felt like he was betraying Kuroo but… it had been five years, and Kuroo wasn’t coming back. He’d want Tsukishima to try.

“And if you actually do?” Kei continued and Yamaguchi gave a wide grin.

“Then I guess I’ll just have to take a chance now, won’t I?” he said with a slight giggle and Tsukishima raised his eyebrows.  _ Did he… giggle? _

They sat there the entire night talking about themselves and only slightly flirting. When Tsukishima left later that night only slightly buzzed in contrast to his usual drunk and with a napkin that held the phone number of Yamaguchi Tadashi in his pocket, he didn’t exactly feel bad. Kuroo wanted him to move on and Tsukishima would always miss him but the pianist was ready to follow his late lover’s wish, even if he would be healing slowly.

Slowly.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you're not broken
> 
> hit me up on my [tumblr](http://www.iwa-channn.tumblr.com) and let's talk angst bros


End file.
